"Yet there was blessing in this night. Elphaba had forgotten blessing, too -- like so much else." Gregory Maguire in Wicked.
The blessing in being an outcast, feeling like you don’t belong, is knowing your truth and continuing to stand in it. Because the peace that comes from deeply knowing and loving yourself is greater than any sadness of not fitting in. Reading Wicked has taught me more about how powerful it is to be yourself, even when people are telling you who you are isn’t accepted. As long as you accept who you are, no one else matters.
I tried to fit in in high school, by gossiping, going to parties, and allowing myself to be guilted into doing things I truly did not want to do. Even though it was harder to fit in and it didn't feel right for me to do the things that everyone else did, it made socializing easier. It was easier to glide through the years, in a small school of about 300 kids, by pretending I cared about the same things. But when it came to the times I was strong enough to say "no" to a party or "no" to hanging out after school, my "no" was always taken as a challenge; my "no" was a way for them to convince me of something I didn't need convincing of. It actually got to the point where I would say, "my mom doesn't want me going" as a way for friends to stop asking after I had already said "no". That was a time where I felt like my voice wasn't being heard; I was being pressured to be someone I wasn't; and my identity was floating in the wind. I didn't know who I was anymore, but I knew who people wanted me to be. So I decided it best to push down my feelings, further and further, well into college and my early 20's.
During my healing journey that I've been on these past few years, I've come to realize that I've been surrounded by people who live in their fears and limiting beliefs, who idealize a certain persona for me; too afraid to realize that I'm not at all the person they envision me to be. I've been told that certain interests, job opportunities, etc. were out of my reach and weren't worth pursuing - "Oh, that'll never work out" or "why would you want to do that?" The person I am and what I'm capable of has been assumed of me by those who haven't taken a second to get to know who I am. And in my high school and college years of not knowing who I was, I followed along: I let others lead me where they thought I should go. All the while, I was miserable because there was a deep longing inside to do something else, but I didn't fully know what that was. Every time I didn't follow my intuition or my gut feeling, I felt it. I felt myself steer further away from my path. I felt my path laid out for me, brick by brick, by people who didn't know me, until I woke up one day and realized how profoundly unhappy I was (this was about eight months ago).
December 2024, I had an awakening: I was finally tired enough of living for other people. Putting my life on hold so others could flourish. Being there for others who always had time to talk about their life, but just happened to run out of time when it came to asking about mine. Choosing myself used to be the last thing I would do, but now it's all I know. "No" is a full sentence to me - I don't need to justify why I'm saying no, and I don't need anyone to try to convince me otherwise. I stand in my truth, my personality, my goofiness and my strength. I've come back to myself and accepted the things that I was told were too weird, too out there, too delusional to care about. In a time where we can be and do anything we set our minds to, especially with the power of social media, why wouldn't I at least try?
My humble advice is to love the things people told you it was weird to love; do the things people told you it was unworthy to do. Because if they have that much to say about another person pursuing their dreams, they're probably not happy with themselves. So continue doing what you love, continue doing what makes you happy. Anyone telling you not to is too scared to do what makes them happy because someone else probably told them their dreams were unrealistic. No one who's genuinely happy is going to judge another person for doing what makes them happy.
All healing can be sometimes is just doing what makes you unapologetically happy. Be silly, have fun, play with the bugs outside, braid some pieces of grass together, even take a nap. Having fun and doing things you enjoy can heal so many wounds created by people who tried to control you. I love Jurassic Park so much - I watch one of the movies each week, and I'm soon to read the second book. I'm also 28 and Daddy Day Care is one of my favorite movies (right there next to Shrek 2 and The Cat In the Hat, live action of course). I'll make myself a Shirley Temple at home, just because I feel like it. I talk to the dragonflies outside and I like to think they reply because they land on me or hover next to me. I'm 28 and I'm not afraid to still feel like I'm 8. All of those things I loved 20 years ago, I still love now. We loved things as kids before anyone told us they were weird, and those things - those passions - still live within us as adults. We just have to be fearless enough and look deep enough to pull them out. Because when you're fearless is when you can be truly happy. So be unafraid to love what you love, no matter what anyone says. Life will be so much more peaceful and freeing this way.
- JS